Sleep Deprivation

It is 8:20am on January 13th, a Tuesday. I have been awake for 43 hours since 12am, Monday. Why am I still awake? I want to sleep so badly.

I think that the only solution to the question I've been asking myself is that I'm upset. Something - somewhere, deep within the estranged and twisted collision of thoughts in my head which I call my concious is bothering me tremendously. As the sun rose, I finished watching a movie about a man committing adultery within marriage and trying to save the sacred bond itself all at the same time. It made me think about myself and where I am as of today.. where I've been the past couple of weeks and months, and what I know about myself. Maybe, frighteningly, if I know myself and what I, as a person, want and need.

"It's impossible to love anyone unless you love yourself first."

A question burns in my mind, a question so huge that it is overwhelming me. I think that this question is what is causing me to lose sleep and to stress out, lose my apetite, and begin to show reclusive behavior at work and home. Do I love myself? For years I've avoided this question. The more you avoid things, the easier it is to inhabit a safe, secure net of denial that is intangible to your mind, and more importantly, yourself.

I was always upset by this. I have fallen in love, I have felt the pain that is above and beyond any relationship that a teenager my age would feel. I have been treated as a peer and equal, loved as one, had to take care of myself and another in times of need. Why do I still ask myself this nagging question? This question that eats away at my brain in the back of my head while I ignore it and decide that to keep yourself busy is way more important than to face yourself.

I guess I can say that after these past few days, I've become tired of running. If I have loved before, than this phrase is useless, because I don't think I have loved myself. I think I've neglected my feelings to mold into someone elses perfect image. I have spent too much time catering to one, two, three people that I care about the most when I really should have been molding an image for the one person who matters even more than the rest - myself.

At this delicate, yet intricate and defining point of my life I need to focus on myself more than other people. What I really need to do is to stop being codependent on another to make myself feel more complete or soothed. Since I have recently moved out of the town I lived in for so long, I have been able to keep a job and care for myself in a more healthy environment to be sucessful. So I have flourished, somewhat, and shown to myself that it is not beyond my abilities to remain stable. Despite this, I still feel empty....

I need to figure out why.

Someone... anyone.
Help me understand.

11/29/2008 Brain Stream #2

I find that when I'm having trouble letting things go I completely detach myeslf from whatever those things may be. Just a friendly reminder that almost everyone alive can benefit from if they really, truely want to feel better.

I've been sending lots of good karma out into the world lately. You know, strangely enough it's the little things that really count in life... holding the door for someone, giving people solid and good advice, picking up someone's trash, reducing my carbon footprint, being nicer to people I really shouldn't (just because everyone deserves to be treated nicely) and so on and so forth. Lately, everyday I notice I'm primarily in a good mood, and positive things have been coming my way. As a result, I can safely say that I might just believe in karma now.

Today was kind of funny because I ended up getting brand new stuff for my laptop (keyboard, charger, etc.) for free and completely by chance. I hope that starts to happen often. I was at a coffee shop earlier in the day and saw some chick that was probably 6'5 wearing flats and was beautiful... she looked like some sort of model. She made ME feel small, and that usually doesn't happen because most of the time because I could stomp on some people and not even notice. She stopped to talk and pat Onyx, my friend's dog, before leaving the location. Nice girl.

Also, I've developed this weird habit of watching low-budget horror films on freemoviesondemand. They're produced by this part called fearnet and they're always really funny. It's more of a comedy to watch when I've ran out of episodes of True Blood, Family Guy, or Venture Brothers. I need to get a life :P

Sleepytime for me. I have to say that I love my friends and I cannot stress enough how when people can trust and rely on eachother it makes for more positive experiences in life.

Hope everyone else had/has a wonderful day.

M

Initial Post, 11/26/2008 5:53am

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